Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They took my balls.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
