I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
