I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
