I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
