watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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