I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
