I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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