I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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