We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Mom said you looked used
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
