i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
