she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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