I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
