I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
