i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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