is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
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