I haven't been this sober since birth.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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