my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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