Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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