Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize