Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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