My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize