Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Every concussion has its silver lining
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love you.
Bad choice
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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