So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
