Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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