im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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