dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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