the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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