The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
