Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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