I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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