dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
