I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
