This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
