Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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