I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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