Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize