Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize