he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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