Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize