Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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