so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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