Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
