jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize