Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
