I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
