I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
