my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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