No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
