i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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