how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
