Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Randomize
