so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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