My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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