Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
