I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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