one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
