you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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