That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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