I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
