Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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