they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
