dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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