if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
